2019, the Roller Coaster Year

New year is fast approaching, and it is the time to reflect on a whole year which almost passed. For some reason I missed the 2018 year reflection post, but this year has been such a roller coaster experience for me which forces me to write this reflection again this year.

The Dark Pits of Life

When I first think about this year, the memories which came up were unpleasant memories. 

This year is the year where I feel rejected so badly, starting from the rejection of my valentine flower in which I was rejected despite I only asked to know the person better. I felt so rejected that it feels like I'm not even worth to be considered.

This is also the year which for the first time ever in my life that I considered to go to another church leaving my current. I have thought of leaving God multiple times in the past, but it was a very childish act. This time I know for sure that I won't be leaving God, but I was just so fed up with the local church such that I was planning to leave the church which I felt was a part of my identity.

The next big struggle I had was on my job. I started my job January 2019 hoping that I would learn more and grow more. But despite getting a chance to grow, I had endless pressure which resulted in me wanting to just jump out of the window at times. I have always said to others that working is not about the money and benefit, but more into how you can grow. But I arrived at the stage that I felt it is also not right if you are so not in peace when you're going to work.

There are still many other pain which I garner, to the point that I just wanted to die and see who will attend my funeral and therefore I know who to spend my attention on.

The Light of Hope

But then, I looked up on Google Photos. I checked my photos from earlier 2019 in an attempt to remember what happened throughout the year, I started to notice that despite it might have been certainly one of the most difficult times of my life, God's providence has not departed from me.

I remembered early in the year I had a chance to go on my second mission trip, this time to a region called Tambusai in Riau. This time, God really has used me well. The Gospel which I prepared was responded by the students in the area and I remember the exuberant feeling when I was preaching the Gospel.

I also was reminded how privileged I was to be able to perform three times in Victoria Concert Hall and even joined a recital at the end of the year. Despite taking vocal lesson, I personally wouldn't count myself as someone who is good at music. But really in 2019, God has given me a lot of chances to be able to exert the talent He has given.

Regarding work, I have to be thankful as well. Despite the stress and the pressure, I met with my colleagues which I really can share the burden and walk through the struggle together. Without them, I don't know whether I can survive the environment.

I am also thankful that I had a chance to struggle on what love means. I met people outside the church with struggle which I never imagined before. Yet I found out that loving these kind of people is just not as easy as it would seems, especially when we are talking about Agape 'sacrificial' love. From these events I really learned the depth of the word love which is often defined wrongly in this day.

The year ended with a convention at my church which was a very nice closing to the year. This is my third time attending this event and it was definitely worth it. It helped me reorient myself towards the right direction which is Christ. It rekindled my zeal to work even harder and keep on serving regardless of the outcome.

The Aftermath

This year has been a roller coaster ride for me. There are depressing downs, but I cannot deny that God's providence and grace has sustained me. It reminded me that despite a roller coaster goes up and down, it never leaves its track. Whether the car in roller coaster goes up, down, right or left, the direction is still sustained within the rails. This reminded me of my favorite passage from the Bible this year:

2 Corinthians 4:7–10

Treasure in Jars of Clay


But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. (ESV)

Indeed this year has taught me that I am really a worthless clay. yet the Lord is shaping and molding my life to hold something so precious, which is the Gospel. This has been very crushing and stressful role, yet He sustained me for all these time.

May 2020 be a fruitful year ahead. More one heartedness for God.

SDG